Kathleen Gardenswartz
"A
'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes'
uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble." Gandhi
My
friend, a high-powered partner in local law firm, was looking
particularly harried one Saturday morning.
I
asked, "Are you ok?"
She
looked down at the floor for a moment, hesitating as she contemplated
her words. "At about 2:00 a.m. this morning, as I scanned the piles
of legal documents covering my kitchen table I thought about how
stressful my work life has become. I literally questioned my own
sanity."
She
continued, "So I am working this hard to ensure that my daughters
can go to great schools, have amazing experiences and ultimately
attend fantastic colleges, so they can have careers like mine and
work this hard?"
It
just did not jive with logical thinking, and in that moment she
realized that she needed to make a change.
I
happen to know that my very humble friend is considered a legal
powerhouse, ready and able to take on just about any challenge
presented to her and perhaps that is part of the problem. She really
can do it all and never utters the word 'no' to her work. She
possesses the right mix of intelligence and steely determination to
achieve professionally, but she questions whether it will bring her
satisfaction and is currently appraising its life cost as she adds up
the experiences and opportunities she will miss as a result.
As
her personal story reveals, she is willing to work until the early
hours of the morning so she can be present with her family from
dinner through bedtime stories and good night kisses. She is clearly
paying a price and that sacrifice is openly stealing her well being.
Clearly,
there is a time to say 'no', a critical point that leads to something
new for everyone in the family. Finding that balance is a challenge
for families and it seems to shift depending on the season,
activities and travel schedules. Some families are just struggling
to get by and that adds its own worries and stress.
When
you feel yourself struggling to make your busy life work and can’t
remember the last time your family had peaceful time together or a
manageable schedule, then it is time to stop and evaluate what is
most important. Try these tips to reassess and rebalance your family
life.
If
the gut says 'no', do not be swayed by others' enthusiasm,
determination and expectations, listen to your very wise body and act
accordingly.
Act
intuitively with your schedule. Don’t let others dictate your
schedule and learn to say 'no' firmly so there is no room for wiggle.
Take
time for yourself, no matter how foreign that might sound to you
right now.
Go
to the spa, learn Tai Chi or learn to fly a plane. Taking time for
yourself makes you happier and a happy parent raises happy children.
Raising
kids takes a village so become part of one.
Community,
family and friends are a critical component to living a balanced,
happy life. Extended family adds richness to your children’s lives
and sets up a lifeline of role models for them.
At
68, my children’s grandfather is an ExTerra Olympic Triathlon World
Champion. How cool is that? He can actually out run them and is a
regular driver to karate, baseball and soccer. He has become an
integral and important part of their lives and his impact has been
profound.
Building
a village requires that we lean on others to help raise our children.
Kids benefit from time with family and it nurtures the relationship
over time.
Take
a sober appraisal of your current schedule before you commit to a new
activity.
Even
the best of us can over commit and under deliver under pressure. So
make sure you can take on a new activity by sitting down with
everyone involved and determine its impact. Will there be business
travel, family events or a deluge of in-school activities? Perhaps
it is not a good time to completely load up on activities. If you
must add something to the schedule, enlist family or help well before
the crazy season starts so you are prepared for the worst possible
scenarios.
Don’t
be a martyr. Do something to solve the problem.
It
doesn’t help anyone for you to wallow in your misery so buck up and
solve the problem. If you have made a commitment and need to follow
through, get some support. Learn from your mistakes and be wary of
adding to your schedule next time.
Visualize
your version of balance and then decide if you still want to add one
more activity on for the Spring.
If
your version of happiness and balance is a life filled to the brim
with work and jammed with activities have at it, but choose it
consciously.
Visualize
the perfect rhythm of your family life and create a schedule that
matches it. For me, it means daily workouts for the parents, karate
and soccer for kids with time carved out for leisurely dinners
outside, watching the sun set, followed by a calm bedtime routine.
It
is in a self-prescribed steady state that your family will flourish.
Find its spiritual center and enjoy the happy moments you will all
remember forever.
