In October, I contributed an article about my personal journey to reach a new place in my life, and I shared that a significant part of that journey was reflection. Many of you asked questions about reflection, so we decided to do a follow up article talking in a bit more detail about the benefits of reflection and some suggestions for how you can put it to use in your own life.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines the act of reflecting as "an act characterized by introspection," or "to bend or turn (something) back." While we are more familiar with the initial definition, it is the second part that is most intriguing to me, as it requires that I shine a light in places that might be intimidating, to take a 360 degree view of my life, to "turn back" my own behavior unto myself for examination and acceptance. In other words, reflection gives me an opportunity to slow down and listen to what my life is saying to me, as it is only with awareness first that learning, growth and change can occur.
Given that to learn from an experience, we must first have an awareness of that experience – essentially that there is something new and different before us, it follows that there is a deep body of research on the power of reflection. The befits include a variety of things such as better decision quality, more ethical decisions, a greater likelihood of learning from past experiences, deeper comfort with, and commitment to, decisions once made, and daily actions that support our long term vision for our lives, just to name a few.
Think of a recent experience you’ve had, and hold it in your mind for a moment. Why did you choose that particular experience? What is it about it that brought it to the forefront of your mind when I asked the question? What were the best, most positive aspects of it – the things that you’d like to be sure you do again when faced with a similar situation? What did you learn about yourself from that experience? Who was with you, and what feelings do you have about those people? Were you your truest self in that situation? Why?
As I went through my process to reach my current place of contentment, I asked these questions and many, many more. I realized that my life was speaking to me in a variety of ways, but I was not listening. The restlessness I felt with my job, the disconnection I felt from friends and family, these were all indicators of a life that was not in alignment with my values, with the reasons why I felt I was put here on the planet at this specific time, but had I not taken the time to slow down and listen to the messages of my life, I might have continued drifting along with a general sense of not being comfortable in my own skin, sleepwalking through the days.
Sound familiar? If any of this resonates with you, here are some suggestions on ways to begin or continue your own process of reflection.
• Before you fall asleep at night, either in bed or before you get into bed, think of 3 experiences or feelings or senses from the day and consider what they might be saying to you. Are they recurring themes? Does the same issue keep coming up for you in different people and places? Do you get the same emotional response every time you’re in a situation or with a particular person? Really listen. What might those things be trying to tell you?
• If that feels too heavy for you right before bedtime, simply think of 3 things you’re grateful for from that day. This offers an opportunity to look at things positively. Once you see the things you’re grateful for, you can look at why they make you so happy. What it is about them that elicits gratitude? What are they saying about your life? Your values? Your purpose?
• In the morning, perhaps over your morning coffee or tea, consider 3 things that are really important for you that day. These are not things on your “to do” list, but instead I would offer that they might be things on your “to be” list. Do you want to remember to be patient with your children? More present with your partner? More aware of yourself as you go through your day? Create space for reflection or meditation? Offer a smile or kind word to everyone you encounter that day?
• Journaling is a great way to reflect if you enjoy writing, and research shows that you do not truly know what you think about something until you write it down. Perhaps any “list makers” know what I mean by that. Choose a journal that speaks to you, where the cover is rich and beautiful and where the weight of the pages feels just right. Choose a pen that flows and looks attractive to you, and write. A critical component here, however, is that you cannot censor your writings – you must write what your life is telling you. Then after some amount of time (perhaps a month), read back over the pages and uncover themes and messages, and consider what they are saying.
• If you prefer technology, blogging might be the digital equivalent of journaling for you; however, remember that people can read your writings. It is important that the journaling be for you, not your audience, so I would invite you to consider securing your blog so that no one can see your “journal” so you can bring your whole self into the words without concern for others.
• Art is another great way to reflect. Draw, doodle, paint, sculpt, put together mixed CDs of music that speaks to you, a PowerPoint presentation of art or quotes or writings that are meaningful. Once completed, think about why you chose what you chose? What does it say? Why did those pieces call to you or emerge from you?
• For those who practice prayer or meditation, this can be a form of reflection as well. Although the objective is often to simply be quiet, that quiet allows messages to be heard – whether you believe those messages are from God, a universal mind, or your own subconscious.
• For many people, being in nature helps to still the “noise” of your mind and allows for introspection. Ask the same questions while you’re taking a walk or sitting in a beautiful place, “what recurring themes do I see?” “Why do I feel that way when I interact with this person?” “Where do I want to focus my time, attention and resources, and what is the best way to get there?”
• If you prefer something more structured to help you get started and do well with a list type approach until you feel comfortable, I highly recommend Dan Webster’s free “personal snapshot” to help you walk through what your life is telling you in four major areas. To download the form, go to http://www.authenticleadershipinc.com/index.html.
Whichever method you choose, once you have generated some ideas about what your life is saying, you might also consider sitting down with a trusted friend (or a group of friends, if possible), and sharing your insights and lessons with them. What’s important about this discussion, however, is not to seek advice, and to be up front with the group that you are not asking for advice. The group is not there to solve any problems or tell you how to fix something or what you should DO about something. The objective is for them to add richness to your “being-ness”. In other words, how do they see you show up in the world? When do they see you as really happy and engaged? When do they see you as stressed and frustrated? Have they heard a recurring theme or message from you that might be your life speaking to you that you have not yet heard? This circle must be done from a place of love and support and respect, but you might be surprised how well our close circle members see us, and how they can help sharpen up the messages we are receiving from life.
At the end of the day, the method of reflection must be comfortable for you and allow you the time and space to hear what your life is saying and help you use the messages to create the life you desire.
As Soren Kierkegaard said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
*Special thanks to Dan Webster from Authentic Leadership, Inc. for the insights learned in the "Pause" experience that offered some "just in time" learning, adding much richness to this article.
